I'll Keep This For Later...

:)..cute smile for me being nice not to break the happy news.. Ahaha. Takdelah. I just don't want to spoil it..... But then again i'm really happy for her.... Congratsss.... Hehehe.. Still macam a bit tak sangka though....:p..

I was being really furious to hubby on last wiken. I know it's not his fault. I should not blame him. I don't have any rights. And he do this for the sake of our future. Because it has something to do with his carrier. I was being really mean to him since morning on Sunday. He was trying hard to act natural and to calm me down. But i just can't. I was being cold all day until at one point he was fed up and tried to be cold to me back. But i didn't react as before. Previously i would have became panic and pushing him and trying hard to win his attention back. But i let him. I can feel that he was a bit disappointed. Nobody to push him anymore. Well that's what he wanted in the first place i kn. Or he'll be tired of pushing me away....

The story begin like this. Early morning on Saturday. He breaks the news to me. That he need to go to the office. As usual, he got work to do! Okay, i tried to be calm, even though i am a bit disappointed. Can't we just have our normal weekend back? That's what i'm thinking on that very moment. So the day goes. Empty. But with Firdaus, of course i have a lot of things to do. I will tell a story about my son later. But this time is about the father of my son. Eventhough i have a son, my love for hubby, my expectation, my hope, my pray will never lessen. It grows and that's what always kill me a little bit from time to time. Kill my feeling, kill my senses, kill me in term of humanity. That's why i became evil or even mean sometime...

So later that evening, he told me he's gonna be back late. I know he was anxiously eager to satisfy his bos. So that everybody will know his commitment. I know it's good for him. It's good for us. And he already reminded me, this is what i'm gonna face when he gets this new job. Ok fine. If that what it takes.

The best thing about him is, he will call me what ever hour he's going home. I need that. Cause it'll like stopped my waiting clock (waiting for him to be back). At least i'll be expecting him 30minutes later. So things started to became cold that night. I'm a drama queen i started to ignore him. When he asked me questions, i just can't bare myself to happily answer it. BECAUSE I’M NOT HAPPY! I know i have to at least answer him nicely. But it is really hard for me. I'm not hoping for him or anyone to understand or judge me. I don't care. But it does give me a heavy impact. I felt something hard pressing me on top of my head. It really a big deal for me, for him, to let my weekends feel empty.

So he started his happy face on Sunday morning. Cheering to bring me and firdaus out and about. Well of course to make up those time he was not around. I just can't take it. He was trying to bribe me hoping that i would forget the fact that he's not with me the whole day yesterday? The usual me will try to keep up with him and be 'happy'. But usual me also will became very fragile that i would snap on any gestures he made. Anything. Even on tiny things. So to avoid me of doing that. I became cold. I will reply his questions coldly and not showing my happiness at all. I will not try to keep up with his happiness or excitement at all. I will show the real feeling i'm feeling and not hoping for him to try to understand me at all. I would speak rather when he need me to only!

And i never tried to drew his attention on me. I do what i want to do. I play with Firdaus. I'm not even linger myself to him. His was later being at the edge of the house that evening. He stops following me to the kitchen. He stops to try to make the scene happier. Actually it just the same. I mean. The previous me would have cause the same scene. Where hubby and me were into a cold war. Different is, i didn't try to get his attention. I didn't force him to understand my condition. I just let him be. More peaceful and i think it worked even more. The main point is - he got the message. I don't like him to work extra hours. And i didn't create a scene where i will be crying, he'll be ignoring me. Because i'm ignoring him! It’s a punishment maybe. Because i feel more relieved and he really deserved it!

I know, i was talking like it's really a big deal to him. Where else it's only like 30% of him touched. He will act dump afterwards and the scene will be like - never happened! It's not really a punishment at all.

What drew me mad eventually is, hubby sometimes was saying something like... Oh since i had a son, i don't have to bother about my wife. My son needs more attention eventually...something like that la or even lesser in terms of meaning.. Because i'm a drama queen, i tend to exaggerate.. :p.. So, i was thinking about this. I don't think i deserve that. If i'm a housewife, i didn't bring any to the house.. Maybe he can say that... But i have rights to choose my happiness. Even a housewife does...I need attention too.. I'm not a doll... I have feeling... I have emotions...

Ok fine, things are sometimes are meant to be like that. It just out of his control to avoid it. Well, same goes to me. How can I be happy when I’m not. It’s not that I don’t understand, it’s just I’m not happy. Please don’t try to bribe me by bringing me out, show some happy faces on the next day. But quoted that, I did something for you! Like nothing happened yesterdays. I’m a human, there’s thing that I couldn’t take.

Ok lets move on to “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” zone. Would you at least hold my hand. Kiss me. And say sorry. Sooth my feeling. By doing that simple thing, you’ll heal me emotionally. Well, I know this is just IN MY DREAM. I rest my case. I know it wouldn’t happen.

So I rest my case. I hope next time, it’s gonna be me who ignored him. It’s better that way. It’ll lessen my heartbreak! ;)