May 20, 2005

Nothing To Loose, Everything To Waste

I just have nothing to say about it....but this is not what i ask for or hope.....i just curiouse why i didnt encounter it....doesnt mean that i want it to happen........ok i do have something to say.....

sometimes, you feel like god think you are to weak to accept his challege....and there he gave you to face it....pace up and be standing......though you couldnt stop yourself from falling....from feeling the hurts...i does hurt.....for a simplest thing...it does..................

it is not that you are not strong...it is just you are not aware of it.....you are so confident that it will not happen....but what had happened, happens....sometimes all the time......

you can never trust anyone to be they way you want them to be.........when you need them.....you can never expect them to stay...the way the always makes you smile....

this cries today is not forever...i can promise myself this.....i know i'm not that weak.....and i know where i stand today......i can put up my own life...i know how to breath by myself....

this tears is just to remind my....that this expirience did hurt........it does bleed......but it will stop for a better reason.......

this determination....just to make myself stronger....for me to live for myself....to find a big thing from a deep sorrow.....bring faith......but no forgiveness....as this thing will definately be remembered.......

i am not to stay in this weakness forever....

May 19, 2005

A Life For A Hire

What is the meaning of 'life'? What is the meaning of having someone to love, and be loved by someone? What is the meaning of waking up and think of the good side of life? What is the meaning of waking up in the midst of hardtimes, having a 'pang' of life, which make the eyes of yours open?

Life of life, why is it so hard to understand? Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you just feel like flying, but sometimes, you just feel like loosing. Like someone dump you somewhere. You feel lost, unbearable feeling that just put tears on your eyes. That is life baby. Something that is jeopardising inside your heart, is life.

I like talking about life. I like to look at myself, compare me with others and talk about life to myself. I know i'm not good. Sometimes i got to be so scared, that everybody will leave me, because i know i have something not right with my attitude. I composed my life based on other people perspective, which i shouldnt be. I am big enough to make my own desicion. I have my own thoughts, i suppose. Or sometimes, i am too stubborn, i want people to listen to me, which is not good, because they have their own desicion to make. So i give up, i end up to let them make desicion for them and for ME! Well, talking about being ridiculous sometimes.

I hope i can give conclusion for this issue. But it is issue of life, for a conclusion, you have to be mad yourself first. No, that is of course nonsense. The truth is, live your life the way you feel yourself being comfortable. Composed your life based on you, not on others. Be yourself, stop bugging other people life for sure. One thing for sure, if you want to be happy, make people that you love happy. But that hurts sometimes when they dont appreciate you. Though, one thing that you can do. Appreciate them. They will realize their mistake. Right?

May 16, 2005

Hari Yang Boring

Huargh...Aku takdak mood sangat arini........bosan lak tu.......

keje aku nk di ikotkan...tak complete lg laa......tp tak tau nk complete kan camana..........ntah laa......is it the end of my carier...muahahaha..tak dela...just seriousely...tak tau nk buat ape skang ni.....so aku just browing around..carik la ape2 yg berkaitan ngn keje aku nih..kot2 aku bole perpikiran lebih terbuka...

tgk gaya aku mmg kene bgnkan mende ni sorg3....huhuhu..bos tak muncol2 pon...pening pale aku nk pikior...pe la jadah nye mende ni works.....if i know wht to do....

terlambat utk piki carik keje lain.....aku dh bgtau diri aku....to stay keje ni wlau ape pon terjadik...cube setia sket sitiii.........kalu company ni bankrupt ke ape..br la pikior nk carik keje lain...mainpoint nye nk carik pengalaman wat coding...huhhuhuhu.....kalu dpt buat mmg besst...besh2...........berangan lg aku ni...hik hik hik

ngantok..malas sunggoh nk bekerja arini...sbb tak mkn pg pon ade kot..........malas laa nk gi mkn....mkn tghari je la.......

for wht la aku bejimat2 nih? entah laa..ase tak sedap ati la kalu takde duit nk di simpan..kalu ade simpan br la senang ati...tp lg simpan lg ase tak ckp2....nk stop simpan ase tak sedap ati plak...hua hua hua..nk beli krim muke ngn deodarant pon pikior 2 3 kali.....smpai last2 tak bli...muaahahaha..ape la nk jd ngn aku ni...ntah laa...dlm dunia skang yg tak tentu hala ni...aku ase insecure kalu takde simpan duit.....takpela..aku cube kurang kan sket

gi pon gj aku dh kecik skang.......so nk simpan duit tu mgkin tak bole sgt kot..hermmm..ntah laa...strive for the best ct.....aku nk jd cm scicom dulu..mule2 ase takboleh buat...skali mase nk blah...sume bos2 tabik soh aku stay...kire aku buat keje bersunggoh2....hait...

May 10, 2005

Gay Boy or "Woo" Man

Hello again to my simply unresistable but complicated life. Err as in thinking. I do think unacceptably complicated and somewhat people see it as "negative". I know, i am. But here is what i have been thinking this morning..........

i have been sitting in front of my office(i dont have keys yet), looking, thinking of my assignment(which i still thinking how to go about it). one moment, a girl, emm no, a guy to be exact, a guy who wears girls cloths. I would go for 'he' so we will not be confused. He wears long pants and nice-not-too-tight t-shirt. And what surprice me(i cant never stop my eyes from looking), he dont have the thing that guys always have(which what give me the idea what to write about today). You know, the guy thing-i never know what it is called in english. He probably did a surgery to remove it from his body. So now, he is basicly a woman.

As he move away. Not really very quickly. This weird thing does not gain that much attention from people nowadays. Except for me, i got nothing to do by sitting there, so i look and thing. As he disappear from my looking eyes, i got myself a kick. which is, i really do not understand, why oh why a person, would want to do that to his own body or nature. They said, they can never pretend who they really are inside, so by doing that, they actually can live in this world more repected and more satisfacted. Is it?

How can that be? they bring more pain to their own body. How can they be respected. They are not really a man, but not just yet a woman. Right? I dont understand, how exactly those thing made them more satisfy with their ownself? Is it so hard to be a man?

We are born not perfect, yes we are. I know i am not perfect as a woman myself(not to mention my behaviour what so ever). But is it so hard, to accept what god gave us and try to live by it, with it?

I cant understand the relationship. As for about 4-5 years ago, i also dont understand relationship between a man and a woman. What is lust? I never know by then. So now, when i can feel it, i mean the lust of course, i cant really understand the relationship between a man and another man, and a woman with another woman in terms of sex. There let just say it. Yes, i admit, woman is a woman bestfriend. We understands each other. We know what is best for each other. We know why we are thinking the other way around than a man. Although, a woman touch some what pleasing, as in my own mother, my close friends, but those can never be the same with a man touch. I mean, the man which i had lust on, as in i love but not really as my father's love of course. They do touch you in terms of feeling, in terms of lust what so ever, but really different from a bestfriend, as in, your woman bestfriend. I think same goes with guys. They do have bestfriends too. And they still need a woman in their life. Which is what makes both woman and man are perfect for each other. For some reason, we do think differently, there are a lot of misunderstanding, but that what makes us perfect for each other. We learn about each other until we died. That what keeps us going with each other.

Sometimes, even the present of my best girl friend. I love being with her. I love talking with her. She understand my needs and she nurture me everytime i was down. Cant do my work what so ever. She knows how to handle me. But i do feel lonely. I feel incomplete. I cried just for that feeling. I know i should have not crying. But the point is, woman can never feel or be perfecto with out a man. We have a lot for each other to give, learn and tolerate.

I dont know how exactly man feels with out a woman. I am well informed about the lust they have for each other(of course i mean for all those gays). But then, i can never accept the way the made themselves be. Cutting the thing that was born with them. Circularly fit to their bodies. Removing a gift by god and by nature, just to be the one they want to be. Is it fair? Not to mention to god, but is it fair to their own?

Think about it. You can never find the answer i suppose(if you are thinking like me). I am wondering. Should i ever have a thought like this? I dont know. There will always be a point in life you never know. But what is what is not the issue. But what comes out it is. So there. I think that is all for now. Da da for now everybody. ;)