March 31, 2005

Memori Datang Lagi

.:: Hati Yang Memerlukannya ::.Posted on: Jan 29, 2004 - 04:24 AM by tiramisu

“Izani?”

Lelaki itu menegur aku. Setiap kali aku dpt email drpdnya. Aku selalu tanye diri sendiri, adakah ini realiti? Dan setiap kali aku membalas email tu, aku tanya lagi, Adakah aku bermimpi?

“Yes, I Am Izani. Is this Muaz?”
“Yes it is me Izani, So nice to see you!”

Dalam tak sedar, aku dah ade dlm pelukan die. Macam tak percaye, perkare yang aku ingat alam maya, mimpi indah, betul2 seketul tak depan mata aku. Aku balas pelukan tu sebab aku nak rase sendiri, betul ke ape yg aku rase ni? Betul ker org kat depan mate aku ni? Makin kuat pelukan tu. Ai, kalu mak aku tau ni. Hancuusss hidup aku.

“Zani, ko bawak la die naik teksi. Dh lame teksi tu tunggu kite.”

So, kitorg pun melangkah pergi dari Hentian Duta. W’pun aku ni org M’sia, tu la 1st time aku jejak kaki kat ctu. Aku bawak mamat tu lepak hotel kat chow kit. Pastu belikan die kfc. Pastu aku balik.Lelaki tu adalah virtual friend aku. Die berasal dr Palestine. Kitorg kenal di alam maya, dan teros bermadu kasih online.

Aku mmg bodoh sebab setuju couple ngan die dlm dunia maya yang ntah betul ntah tidak tu. Sebab aku nak merase erti CINTA yang org sebut2 selame ni. Aku taknak dengar, aku nk feel sendiri. Dan betape aku desperado, sampai sanggup ikat sebuah perhubungan atas nama suci itu, CINTA, dengan ikatan yang memang dari awal2 lagi aku dh expect yg kitorg mmg takde jodoh. Antara kitorg mmg tak mungkin. Die kat Palestin. Aku kat Malaysia. Aku dan die same2 bukan anak org kaye yg senang2 mak aku jer nak fly gi mane2 pun kat dunia ni. Kalu aku nk further studies pun tak mungkin aku pegi Palestin. Die pulak dgn negare yg porak perande tu, mane nak senang2 berholiday kat Malaysia pulak. Tapi kalu dah Tuhan kate jadi, maka jadilah.Maka tersembul la die depan mate aku.

“Izani, lets get married!”

terpacul perkataan tu mase aku tgh bermadu asmara la konon2 dekat KLCC. Mase tu lg raye ke 2 tahun 2000. Mase tu 1st time aku tak ikot parents aku pegi raye kat Bangi, Kg belah ayah. Sanggup nye aku pegi dating dengan mamat tu.

“Why? How? You don’t know my dad!”
“Well, let me meet him. Let me talk to him. I want to marry you. Izani, you know I love you!”

Ya Allah. Kate2 tu aku igt sampai sekarang. Betape aku appreciate sgt. Sbb bagi aku, org macam aku, mane layak utk dicintai. Aku ni tak lawa. Badan pun gemuk. Gaya pun takde. Ade pulak org nak sayang.Aku masih takut2 nak bawak die pegi jumpe ayah aku. Mamat ni kerap dtg rumah aku. Melawat aku sambil ambik peluang nak jumpe mak ayah aku.

“Zani jgn nk mengada2. Kite tak tau asal usul die” Kata ayah tegas.
“Mak….”Aku pulak menangis2 bercucuran air mata la konon.
“Zani, belajar pun tak abis lagi. Tak kan Zani nak kawin sekarang. Dengan budak yg kita tak tau mana hala tu?”
“Tapi mak, Zani pun belum nak kawin lg. Zani cume nak Mak Ayah terima die je”
“Ayah tak suke Zani kawan dengan die. Baik Zani bgtau die yg ayah suruh die balik. Jgn ganggu Zani lagi!”

Mak ai. Mcm bini mati laki aku nangis haritu. Senyap2 aku keluar jumper mamat palestin tu dan bgtau die, suruh die pegi study ke ape. Pegi la mohon local Universiti ke ape. Carik Scholar. Then, lepas dh settle down baru pikior nak kawin. Aku pun kene study dulu. Well, aku matang dan positif la kan. Bile sume dh stabil, Insyaallah parents aku akan terima die jugak. Tapi mende ni, mak aku jugak yg nasihat. So aku pikir, betul gak tu. Well, nampak cam mustahil. But, sebenarnye boleh. Die bole apply utk study and mohon scholar sbb die dr negara Palestine. Ade peruntukkan tu utk org mcm die. Ni aku tau kat UIA je la..tu pon mamat palestin tu jugak yg dpt tau dr member2 baru die, yg die br jumpe.Org2 afghan,Palestin jugakla. Time ni, arghhh tak sangkanye aku berkecimpung ngan geng2 camni. Aku mase ni tgh study lg kat JB. Aku pon balik JB. Tinggal kan mamat ni ngan labu2 nye. Mamat ni pun dh jumpe tmpt tinggal bersame member2 die tu.

Aku ni jenis budak balik gak. Ni member2 aku yg cop. Aku jenis rapat ngan mak aku. Selalu kalu tak mak aku suruh, aku yg nak balik. Tapi mamat ni. Aku belum rase nak balik bile die suruh aku balik. Ishh…tensen betul. Org sibuk nak test la, assignment la. Mak aku pon paham situasi aku. So, aku bukan tak nak balik. Dh tak bole balik. Ai tak paham2 lak mamat ni. Sekali aku luku kang. He3.. Tapi time tu, aku pon rindu kat die gak. Yela, bercinta la katakan. Tapi saba la.Pastu aku balik jer. Kene lak melayan die. Time ni aku start tak baik ngan mak aku pulak. Yela, jauh hati la org tue tu. Die mesti nk jumpe aku kan. Pastu lak aku kene menjalankan kewajipan utk mamat Muaz ni. So, tegang la sikit time ni. Tapi sebab aku dh biase rapat ngan mak aku, bile gaduh2 camni, aku rase pressure sgt. Muaz lak tak phm2. Nk pujuk die pulak satu hal. Cite kawin tak abis lg pulak tu. Argh…Pressure punye pressure. Aku anta satu email kat die. Aku kate aku ni tak layak utk die. Tak pandai jage hati die. So, drpd sume org sakit jiwa. Baik kite putuskan saje. Time ni, Muaz pun dh diterima masuk UIA. Kire dh stabil la hidup die, br aku tinggalkan die.

Selang tak sampai 2 minggu pun. Aku dh mule tak keruan. Dh takde phone call. Dh takde msg. Email lg la. Haram. Sunyi nye hidup. Tapi aku ngan mak aku dh kembali pulih. Aku dh tau cemane nk handle mak aku. Tapi aku tak tau nk handle perasaan aku. Aku cam org gile. Kejap nangis kejap Happy. Study aku pon merudum. Aku dh tak thn. Until one time. Aku dh tak bole kontrol. Aku pon hantar nada dering kat die. Lagu All For You, Janet Jackson. Pastu bateri fon aku abis. Tapi mase tu aku dh tukar phone number. Sbb konon2 nak larikan diri la kat die. Mmg la ngok patutla telefon aku tak berbunyi. Tapi mmg tu la tujuan aku. Sampai la aku tak tahan sendiri.Esoknye, aku bukak fon. Die antar satu msg. Tanye sape ni? Then die cal dan dgr suare serak basah aku br bgn tido. Tros die cam aku. Dan aku letak tepon.

Pastu die antar msg kate die tau tu aku. Then die say sorry sbb die tak tau ape yg aku hantar sbb format msg tu tak diterima phone die. Ai phone zaman ape la yg die pakai. Stdrd la skarang org pakai nokia. Aku tak jwb lagi msg2 die. Tapi, dlm pada itu, terubatla rindu aku. Dpt dengar kabar die. Lepastu bile die call aku cancel. Sampai satu hari aku dpt voice mail…

“Izani, please don’t hang up on my calls anymore”

Wah.dpt dengar suare die. Aku dh tak thn lagi. Pastu aku pulak yg call die. Pastu credit aku pulak abis. Cih. Pastu die call aku balik.Dari sini aku tau. Kisah maya yg aku ngan die bina sampai ke alam reality ni, sbenanye mmg betul2. Maksudnye, aku betul2 sayang die dan mengharap die sayang aku betul2 jugak. Maknyenye, kitorg bukan lagi maya mcm dulu. Perasaan aku ni yg sebenar bukan lagi cume sandaran mcm yg aku igt dulu. Sandaran sebab aku nk merase diri ini dicintai. Tapi bukan, malah, aku yg sedang mencintai seseorg. So, aku couple balik for the 2nd time. Dn aku sendiri ade tanam dlm diri, aku nk kawin ngan mamat ni. Aku nak bina life dgn die. Study aku naik balik.

Tapi malang tak berbau. Harum tidak busuk pun tidak. Tak sampai sebulan couple kali kedua tu, aku diceraikan pulak. Dah tu, punye la hina, pakai yahoo messenger je. Yela, aku ceraikan die pakai email jer dulu. Okla tu. Hmm….wah time ni la aku rase hidup aku bangsat sgt…..Kenapela, bila aku sedar aku ni betul2 dilamun cinta. Kenapela lenyap camtu jer. Aku tak bersedia lagi nk face bende tu. Aku tak bersedia diceraikan camtu. Sedangkan mase tu aku sedang bina sebuah mahligai cinta dalam hati aku. Sambil aku semai dengan sebuah harapan bahawa insan yg aku sayang, aku puja tu akan jd ketua dlm keluarga yg aku impikan satu hari nanti. Aku study bersungguh2, supaya mase depan aku dgn die cerah. Tapi punah mcm tu aje. Sekelip mate.

Padahal, bahagianya aku waktu tu. Aku rase setiap hari bgn pagi mcm terawang2 jer. Aku tak menyangka pun kemudaratan yg akan aku tempuhi. Tak lama jer lepas aku rase semua kemanisan bercinta. Tak terjawab pun lagi soalan, Adakah begini rase dicintai? Why? Why? Tu la aku tanye die berkali2. Then die bg balik,

“You ask yourself why? This is how I felt when u left me! Even worse because I am far away from my family. I have nobody but you, but you left me!”

What? Sekarang aku rase bersalah pulak. Aku salahkan diri aku. Semuanye sebab aku. Dan lagi yg sangat memedihkan,

“At that time you hurted me! But now that u hurt, I don’t feel anything. And izani, I don’t love u anymore, sorry, I just don’t love u anymore!”

Menangislah air mata darah sekali pun. Bende yg dh pergi tu tak kan kembali. Semua salah aku. Aku malu nak mintak maaf. Aku merayu, tapi die kate,

“We have nothing for each other. What happen between us was so innocence. Even, we never did love each other. I did love you izani, but not anymore”

Aku tepon die. Aku mintak penjelasan. Aku nk jumpe die. Tapi die tak nak. Die tak nak aku merayu kat die. Aku kat JB mase tu. Aku menangis macam nk gile. Aku tak bole terima keadaan ni. Aku mule jd org lain. Aku bkn diri aku. Aku benci buku. Aku benci study,. Aku benci test ke assignment ker. Time ni, aku nye result hidup segan mati tak mau jer. Aku asyik amik kesempatan jer. Copy mengCopy dh jd resam aku. Study last minute. Aku dh tak kenal diri aku sape? Aku dh tak tau nk kontrol diri aku.

Tinggal setahun lebih jer nak abis. Nasib baik aku igt mak bapak aku lg. So aku teruskan jugak. Tapi dgn penuh rase tak minatnye. Sejak ni la. Aku hilang diri aku yg rajin study tu. Yg selalu dpt markah tinggi. Yg selalu jumpe lecturer sebab nak mintak tunjuk ajar. Tapi jumpe lecturer nak mintak excuse supaya dpt markah lebih. Siapa ni? Aku tak kenal.Setiap mase, bile aku free. Kengkawan summer takde. Aku tutup lampu. Dok kat ceruk katil. Menagis. Dok dlm selimut. Menangis. Aku rindu mak aku. Aku rindu kawan baik aku, time tu die pegi praktikal.

“Izani, ko kene kuat. Ko tak bole bergantung kat aku lagi. Aku jauh ni. Jage diri bebaik”

Tu la msg kawan aku. Aku simpan dlm tepon aku. Tapi aku tak bole benti nangis. Sampai bile aku nk idop dlm tangisan jer?Aku keluar. Jumpe kengkawan. Aku bole gelak2. Aku bole buat lawak. Tapi aku mcm tak feel aku berada kat situ. Gelak, tapi tak ikhlas. Bukan aku nk sesaje berlakon. Tapi tak kan aku nk tunjok kesedihan aku kat sumer org? So, aku melakonkan watak aku sendiri kat dpn sumer org. Kadang2 tak lawak pun aku gelak gile2..Sebab aku dh tak bole beza mane lawak mane tidak.

“Aku kenal ko izani. Ini bukan ko. Aku tau ni bukan ko. Where are you?”

Tu la kate2 kwn baik aku bile die jumpe aku. Aku citer segalenye kat die. Die nangis same2 ngn aku.

“Aku sedih bukan pasal ape Muaz tu buat kat ko. Tapi sebab ape yg terjadi kat ko. Die tu mmg tak berbaloi utk ko igt. Aku bersyukur ko dh tak attach ngan die. Jgn sekse diri ko Izani!”

aku bukan sengaje nk sekse diri aku. Cume aku tak bole lupe die jer.Lepastu. Aku buat satu bende bodoh lg dlm hidup aku. Aku call Muaz. Aku nk jumpe die.

“Hey, this is not u. You don’t ask someone out, usually, only me ask you”
“I need to see you, to show that I’m over you, over with our relationship”

So, aku jumpe die. Sesaje jer die ajak aku kuar mlm2 pulak tu. Time mak aku dh tido. Aku kuar la minum ngan die. Aku buat bodo jer…padahal perasaan aku tak bole sembunyi pon. Nasib baik die tak malukan aku. Bile tgh berjalan. Ntah mcm mane tgn aku terlanggar die. Waaa…kenape ade letrik2 lg ni. Aku sayang die gi. Teros aku terdiam. Sambil cube melakonkan, bahawa aku is a strong girl. I can manage my life. Easier than when I’m with you. Konon2 la…Tapi aku tau die tau, I still love him.


Citer tak abis gi..penat la pulak..heheheh


******************************************sambungan******************************************


.:: Hati Yang Memerlukannya (FINALE) ::.Posted on: Feb 01, 2004 - 02:40 AM by tiramisu

Sampai saja kat rumah aku yg masih tekedu tu pon melompat nak kuar kete. Pastu die stop aku. Pegang tgn aku. Mak ai letrik lg.

“Can we do this again? I mean as friend. We are friends don’t we?”
“Sure, Good Nite. See you.”

Kate aku tunjuk tenang. Malam tu aku nangis lagi. Aku bukan saje tak dapat nak lupekan die, malah aku masih sayang die lagi. Aku tak tau la kalau aku ni banyak sangat melayan perasaan, tapi kenapa hati ni sakit sgt. Aku rase mcm dalam dada ni dh takde ape dah. Semua rase macam dh hancur, sebab CINTA yang aku igt CINTA tu, bukan CINTA yang aku idam-idamkan selame ni, sebab semua yang tinggal sekarang hanya kenangan pahit mcm lagu Nija, Akedemi Fantasia tu.

Tiba2 ade mesej kat telepon aku.
“Gnite sweety, i’m missing u already!”


“Zani, ko dah fikir habis2? Ape yg ko buat ni risiko tinggi tau tak?”
“Tak tau la.Tapi aku ase die ok...... kot”
“Jgn wei. Ko jgn kuar ngan die lg. Ko pon tau ko sayang die lg. Kalau ko kuar ngan die, things would get even worse!”
“Tapi Jee, aku tak tau la, tapi aku........”
“Ko rindu die, betul tak? Zani, dgr sini. Aku takde kat ko skang. Aku tak bole nk tarik telinge ko tu.”

Tu la Jee, kwn baik aku. Die dh merangkap mentor aku. Selalu lead aku ke jalan yg benar. Die mmg awal2, even Muaz nak dtg M’sia dulu Jee tak suke dan tak setuju. Tapi, sebab tu keputusan aku, die sokong and always be there for me.

“Gelak2 aku ckp!”
“Thanks Jee. Even at my worse time, ko bole buat aku hepi sket.”

So, Jee tak kasi aku pegi jumpe Muaz. Aku masih dekat JB lagi. Probably last semester aku. Cuti pertengahan sem tak lama jer lagi. Then aku dapat satu call pada suatu malam.

“Zani, it’s me, i’m on the way to JB. I’ll be meeting some friends, would you like to join me?”
“Really? Where?”
“At the Mall, City Square i guess. I’ll meet you there”
“Emm, i can’t promise you today”
“I’ll still be in JB tomorrow, i’ll meet you tomorrow ok. I’m driving! Bye”

Terkejutnye aku. Aku baru jer sampai hostel. Nak merehatkan diri. Siang aku dok menchattingkan diri kat Lab. Mlm baru la nk settlekan copy mengcopy assignment, pastu browsing2 lagi. Maklumlah kat Lab jer ade internet. Tu yg malas balik bilik. Tapi sok aku ade Test ptg. Dah la tak study lg. Dh janji ngan member lak tu nk study same. Peningz2. Malam tu aku dpt call pulak dr member2 aku. Dorg ajak lepak Lab. Semua dh ketakutan tak dpt jwb soklan test. Aku kalau kerja2 ‘berkumpulan’ ni serahla kat aku. Yelakan, selalu aku jd mak tempek je...Heheheh....senang keje.

Gi pon mmg ade sorg member aku ni agak kecoh la sket. Tapi die ni bijak. So kenela kipas2 sket. Aku tros lupe pasal Muaz ni. Balik mandi smayang sumer tros chow pegi lab balik. Sampai kat Lab hilang la aku kat situ. Buat assignment sambil study nak test.

“Muna, amikkan buku tu, aku rase adela terselit listing yg En Zul suruh kite generate tu”
“Jap la, Zani mane wei? Die ni suke curik tulang tau!”
“Ei tolong sket. Aku tgh cube run la ni. Listing yg korg carik tu td”
“Wah rajin nampak bole la ko lawan cik Muna aka Miss.........”
“Miss ape? Ko ni ade2 je la Rin. Dh2 tgk hasil sket..”
“Ops, kejap, aku ade call..”
“Muaz!”
“Wei, ko kontak lg mamat palestine tu?”Aku hanya mengangguk.

Muna hanya geleng kepala. Rin pulak die mmg tak tau ape2. So terpakselah aku jawab call tu dulu.

“Yes”
“Zani, i’m already in JB. Can we meet right now? Where are you?”
“I’m at my Computer Lab. I’m really buzy right now”
“So, tomorrow? Ok? I’m staying at the hotel near the City Square, or you can still come late this nite and tomorrow we could breakfast together.”
“Tonight?”

Apo gilo mamat ni? Tak penah lak die ajak aku lepak2 hotel ni. Gilo apo? Sib baik mmg tgh bz. Maklumlah final year. Dlm hati tetibe rase cam berat pun ade.

“I’m really sorry, i can’t see you today i have to submit an assignment and i had test some more. I really can’t. I’m sorry”
“I’m going back early tomorrow, we better meet tonight”
“But...But..”

Muna jeling aku. Rin pun macam tu jugak. Kalu aku pegi ni mau aku fail subjek ni. Lagipun, assignment ni mmg kene submit by tomorrow. Some more ade presentation sekali.

“Muaz, i have to go now, my friends are waiting for me, i’ll call you back later ok?”

Muaz letak jer talipon. Marah la tu. Apsal pulak die nk jumpe aku sgt2 ni? Lepas tu tgh2 mlm ni jugak. Lepastu dekat hotel pulak. Ish ish ish.... Muna dan Rin mcm happy jer aku stay. Yela kalu tak confirm dorg kene settle assignment ni tanpa kehadiran aku,tapi name aku tetibe ade jer nanti.. Ala bese la, copy-copy jugak..Tempek-tempek juga, tapi kenelah berpada2..Jgn asik dok nk menyusahkan orang jer.

Malam tu lepas dh dlm pukul 3 pagi. Kerje kitorg hampir siap. Tinggal last edit before nk presentation jer. Semua dh tak larat dan kitorg tido kat Lab jer. By this time, aku terfikirkan Muaz. Kenape mamat ni tetibe lak gile2 nk jumpe aku. Tapi musykil jugak die siap nk ajak aku pegi hotel. Tak lame lepas tu, aku dapat another call.

“Are you still busy?”
“yeah, still there is something to be done by tomorrow”
“So, you’re not going to see me tonight?”
“I can’t but it is not that i don’t want to”
“No, don’t say that. You don’t say anything that u mean. Never say anything. Good Nite Izani. And Good Bye!”

Aku ke yang salah? Atau aku ker yang tak cukup kuat? Aku bukan sengaje tak nak jumpe die, Tapi hati aku berat. Tambah aku ade komitmen mase tu. Lagipun kitorg dah takde ape2. No string attached. Memangla aku sayang die, tapi, Ntahlah, aku tak bole tido malam tu. Tapi lame2 lelap jugak.Hari-hari seterusnya aku lalui tanpa ada die. Die dh tak call dan aku pon malu nak call. Aku ni mmg tak reti nak memujuk. Tapi time ni aku busy sangat. Maklumlah cuti sem dh nak dekat. Kalu bole sumer keje nak settle supaya tak payah pening kepale balik nanti.

Sambil tu, aku berjumpa dengan sorg mamat ni. Dia ni classmate aku sejak 1st year lagi. Tapi tak pernah borak same. Ntah kenape tetibe aku rase nak kontak die. Pakai chatting, maklumlah duduk dalam Lab. Yariba andele la jawabnye.

Siang aku chatting tak ingat, malam baru buat keje. Tu la life aku. Walaupun simple. Tapi aku rase tenang je.Amir. Tu la name mamat tu. Die ni happy go lucky, lepas tu bengong nak mampus. Ntahla, takdela lawak sgt cerita2 die tu, tapi bile die cerita kat aku aku bole gelak sampai ketuk2 meja. Bile aku ngan mamat ni, aku lupa sekejap pasal Muaz, pasal perasaan aku kat Muaz. Tapi, aku just anggap Amir sama macam Jee, iaitu as kawan baik aku. Sebab, kedua-dua manusia ni dpt bagi aku sebuah ketenangan yang aku hilang selame ni.

“Oit, buat pe tu?”
“Ala, biasela aku, mcm ko tak tau”
“Tau tak nape aku call ni?”
“Ntah mane la aku tau”
“Bz ke?”
“Takdelah aku baru balik, tgh baring2 nak tido. Ko kat mane ni?”
“Aku kat dataran merdeka, hahahahahah..." Apsal lak gelak lak si Amir ni?
“Wei, bengong ape? Ape kejadahnye ko buat kat dataran memalam bute ni?dh tu gelak kuat2 lak tu. Gile ape?”
“Siot jer kate aku gile. Aku tgh curang ni”
“Curang ngan sape?”
“Curang ngan sape lak die tanye”
“Apsal wei? Ape citernye ni?”Hahahah....Aku pulak gelak.

Mamat ni nak main misteri lak ngan aku. Dh le aku tergugup2 nak borak ni. Tak penah borak real life gi, kitorg stakat chatting jer adela berjela2..hahahah....

“Ni ha, officemate aku, die tgh menenangkan perasaan. Die kate parents die mati eksiden dekat london”
“Kesiannye, Dekat London? Apsal lak dok lepak dataran lak? Pegi la London sane”
“Tu la aku tak paham tu. Aku Ngikut jer, officemate lain dok tolong tenangkan die. Die kate passport die ilang la takdela. Tak bole carik la. Pegi balai polis la. Ntahla siot. Haram aku tak paham.”Hahahahaha...gelak lagi si Amir ni.
“Dah tu ko call aku ni nk meluah perasaan la ni?”
“Hehehe....Wei, okla, tu ha dorg dh kemane hala tu. Aku gi dulu la, selamat tido”

Cuti sem pun bermula. Dan aku balik kampung. Mcm biase, bile dah dok umah, takdela sape nak layan. Pastu nak chatting plak bukan cam kat lab, dr pagi sampai mlm. Terpaksela aku dok umah cam org nak biol. Tetibe ase nyesal lak settle kan sumer keje. Tapi nak bace buku utk pekse malas plak. Tetibe aku dpt call. Jeng jeng jeng.

“Hi izani, long time i didn’t hear from you”
“Hi, How are you?”
“I missed you, why didn’t you called me?”
“Umm”,

rase bersalah pulak aku. Tapi aku betul-betul takut nak call. Aku tak tau nak hadapi die mcm mane. Mungkin betulah, sebab Jee penah kate, aku ni tak brani nak mengaku kesalahan aku. Ego.

“Nevermind. Where are you now?”
“I’m at my house, it’s semester break right now”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you free today? I just move in to a new house, would you like to see?”
“Just move in? So how’s UIA? Aren’t u live there before? ”
“Yeah, but i just move out. I will tell you the story when we meet. Would you like to see me today? Come on zani, are you running away from me?”
“No, of course not. See you in one hour ok.”
“Ok, i’ll be picking you up honey”

Uiks.. Honey? Kenapa? Aku tak tau la, aku bingung. Die mcm dh hilang ingatan je. Baru je dulu die kate, antara kitorg mmg takde ape2 feeling. Tapi, die selalu buat aku konfius macam ni. Nanti aku jugak yg mengharap. Aku mmg la bole je percaye, yg die mmg jenis mcm tu, so ignore je mende2 camni. Tapi, hati aku masih sayang die. Luke yg berdarah ni selalu buat aku igt kat die. Ingat yang aku pernah dan masih menyayangi die. Dan yang paling bodoh, masih mengharapkan kasih sayang die.

The pain in my sorrow, Makes me remember
How my life has changed so much
Not that i ever remember, How it was before
The bleeds that is still, Be the cause of my cries
I just have to love you, The way i always feel
Not to count, How many times it does hurt me
And never i to stop, Pointing the blame to me

Hari tu, aku dress up. Aku ni jenis yg comot momot. Tu yg Jee slalu kate.

“Zani, buruk la ko pakai camtu. Nampak cam org tak sudah je”
“Wei, kecik ati aku ko ckp camtu”
“Tapi betul la. Meh sini aku betul kan tudung kau tu”

Hai, aku rindu kat Jee nampaknye. Lame dh tak jumpe minah tu. Aku balik cuti ni pun antaranya nak ngedate ngan die gak. Kalau tak kerana die, ntah ape jadi kat aku ni.

Truut Truut Truut

Alamak, mesti Muaz dh tunggu aku tu. Ok mak, Zani chow dulu. Sayang mak. Kate aku sorg2, padahal mak aku takde rumah. Keluar senyap2 ni. Heheheh. Hati aku berbunge-bunge jer nk jumpe buah hati aku, tapi bukan milik aku...Uwaa, sadisnye hidup macam ni.

“Emm, Zani, I was just meeting my friends. We were going out lastnight until right now. So, i didn’t bath yet today, And i think i need to go home right no. Would you mind?”
“Why didn’t you go bath 1st before picking me up? Are we going to your house right now?”
“I’m sorry, i was in a rush. I’ll promise you, it wont take too long”

Ape? Die nak bawak aku balik? Arghh, hati aku mule rase tak sedap. Sebab pandangan die lain mcm jer kat aku. Dh ler aku pakai cun2 ni. Mcm mane ni? Aku dh ade dlm kete die. Dh on the way dh ni. Sengih pulak mamat ni. Semacam pulak tu. Tetibe aku ase nk terjun dari kete ni. Ase cam tak keruan ni. Mcm mane ni?

“Don’t be nervouse. U know me right? I wont do anything to you!”

Won’t do anything? Aku pernah dengar, pompuan ni kalu dh sayang selamber badak jer die serah ape2 yg lelaki tu mintak. Ya Allah, aku terus beristighfar. Ingat mak ayah aku. Ingat Tuhan. Pelikla kenape aku fikir bukan2. Aku cube cool kan diri aku. Betul gak die kate. Selame aku kenal die, tak pernah pulak die nak buat pelik2. Selain pegang tangan aku. Tp pegang tgn tu mcm best jer, sebab aku rase mcm disayangi.

Sampai la kat satu tmpt. Terkagum aku, die bawak aku masuk satu kawasan apartment mewah. Jakun jer aku tgk pondok pak guard tu. Jakun sunggoh. Sampai kat parking, aku insist nk tunggu dlm kete. Tapi die tak bagi. Tarik tgn aku ikot die. Bile die pegang tgn aku, mcm robot aku ikot telunjuk die. Bile die lead aku to lif, aku rase mcm sejuk jer ati. Mungkin aku dh lame rindu saat mcm ni. Aku teringat balik zaman kitorg couple dulu. Betape aku masih mengharap kasih sayang die.Kitorg melangkah masuk dalam apartment die. Die bukak pintu, tarik aku masuk. Then tutup pintu balik. Kunci!

“Come there’s something i want to show you”

Die ajak aku masuk bilik. Pastu die ajak aku duduk kat birai katil die.

“I know you stil love me, i can feel it in your hand. Well Izani, good news, I love you too. I hurt you because you hurt me, I just want to punish you. But then i really love you”

Ntah macam mana menitik air mata aku. Harapan aku jadi kenyataan ker? Aku senyum. Dan aku rase mcm dalam mimpi. Die pegang tangan aku, dan die cium. Lepastu die letak kat dada. Aku nangis, terus nangis.

“We’ve been forever for each other. It is a waste when we have to split from each other. I do love you, and do regret punishing you before”

Ya Allah. Aku bersyukur sangat. Ape yg aku doakan, bayangkan, harapkan, mimpi-mimpikan selame ni dah termakbul kat depan mate. Dan macam biase, Muaz, pelok aku.

“It hurts me each time. When i have to left you in pain. I felt the pain, as much as you do. When i felt like i’ve been slapped by words that i said to you, i know that you feel the same. And i blame myself for that”

Lepastu aku rase basah jer kat bahu aku. Muaz tgh menangis? Aku bermimpi ker nih.

“You are crying. Don’t cry Muaz, I forgive you and i should also received the blame. I hurted you too, and i am sorry, I’m really sorry”

Lepas tu kitorg due2 nangis. Muaz lapkan air mate aku. Senyum kat aku. Betape hati aku sayu, rase mcm terawang-awang jer. Makin laju air mata aku luruh. Dan makin laju bile nampak Muaz pun beriya-iya nangis. Lepas tu, kitorg gelakkan diri memasing. Rase tak sedap hati aku tadi lurut sikit demi sikit. Tiba-tiba Muaz angkat dahi aku.

“Love me Izani. Give me what you had to love me” Dan die dekatkan muke die kat aku.

What? Aku mule melompat dari katil.

"What are you doing?”Muaz pegang tangan aku.

Tahan aku dari lari dari situ. Memang tak boleh lari pun. Pintu kan kunci.

“What do you mean what i’m doing? We’ve cried for each other and obviously we love each other so much. So, what do you think i was doing?”
“It’s not love, what you just did is not love!!”
“Izani, don’t deny it. This is how people nowadays show their love for each other.”
“But it’s not my culture”
“You must be joking! Or u just don’t love me?”Dan die tarik aku balik atas katil.

Makk. Aku tak sanggup. Aku terbayang mak aku, ayah aku. Aku ni mmgla tak kuat semayang. Tapi ntah kenape ade something menghalang aku dari teruskan. Memangla aku sayang die. Tapi akal aku masih waras nak tolak bende tu. Aku syukur sangat, aku masih boleh kontrol diri aku, walaupun sebenarnye aku memang nak sangat bende ni. Sebab aku sayang die. Dan aku idamkan jadi suri hidup die.

“Stop it Muaz! If you still want to do it, then you don’t love me! I’m feeling that you want to spoil me!”

Muaz diam dan terus tarik aku dan cube nak lock aku supaya aku tak boleh nak struggle.

“No, Muaz, please....”Die lepaskan aku.

“How can a man, a minute ago, said something so sweet. Your ears could glow like a mountain of golds. Then, all of the sudden, act like a monster who can ruin all of the water in the sea?”Muaz diam.

Tak tau la die mule sedar ke tak? Tak tau ape yg die fikir, die expect, die agak.

“I’ll send you back, now!”Aku ikot die.

Aku tak tau la mcm mane dah rupe aku. Nangis mcm nak gile. Sebelum die bukak pintu.

“U might want to freshen up first, coz you look like a woman who just kill her own husband!”

Sampai kat rumah. Aku tros berfikir. Aku tak faham ape yg berlaku tu? Tapi aku bersyukur aku boleh selamat. Selamat dari perkare tu. Adakah sebab aku tak cintakan die sebenarnye? Macam mane aku bole tahan diri aku? Wallahualam.

“Org kate doa mak bapak”
“Tapi Jee, ntahla. Kenape die sanggup buat mcm tu?”
“Ntahla Zani, tp tgk dh jadi mcm ni, ko nk lagi ker org mcm tu?”
“Entahla, tp dr mlm tadi, aku tak berenti fikir pasal die. Selame aku kenal die, die bukan org mcm tu”
“Org bole berubah Zani. Org jugak bole berlakon”
“Tapi, ntahla, aku masih fikir positif. Die buat mcm tu sbb nak kene kan aku. Sebab ape yg aku buat selame ni kat die. Bile aku putuskan hubungan kitorg dulu. Tapi bile die dpt tahan diri die dari teruskan, aku...ntah la, tapi aku rase, masih ade sikit rase sayang dalam diri die”
“Zani, Zani, sudahlah, die dh buat mcm tu, ko nak percaye kat die lagi?”
“Susah Jee, susah. Kalau kite dh sayang org ni, susah”
“Habis tu, kau kontak die lagi?”
“Tak. Biarlah mase yg menentukan. Ntahla, hati ni mcm dh tak rase ape2 jer lagi. Yg aku rase skang nk nangis jer”
“Ha, nangisla puas2, sampai mate tu pon dh naik lebam. Nampak mcm muke baboon je..hahaha”

Jee mmg penenang aku. Tak sesia aku jumpe die hari tu. Aku rase lega sikit. Walaupun sebenarnye hati ni dari luka sampai dh terkoyak2 dah. Aku masih konfius dgn ape intention Muaz sebenarnye. Tapi, hati ni tak tergerak pulak nak tanye.

Biarkan ia berlalu kalau ia mahu
Biarkan ia datang kalau ia masih sudi
Biarkan hati ini terubat sendiri
Pada luka itu biar aku pandang sepi
Biar aku tangisi sendiri
Andai satu hari ia sembuh
Biar parut itu mengingatkanku
Perihal CINTA yang aku sanjung tinggi
Terbang bak kabus yg mengelabui diri
Nasib Tuhan masih menyayangi
Lalu ku biar kabus itu pergi
Dan biar aku terus menangisi
Masihkan ada ruang?
Untuk ku kecapi
Dengan madah CINTA yang lebih abadi

Dan kisah sadis ku berakhir di sini.

SEKIAN

************************************************************************************** * memori datang lagi.................................................................................Aku tiru gurl....hehehehehe * **************************************************************************************

March 25, 2005

Being A QUITER !!! :- (

before i start anything, i should say this to myself : out and loud!

***STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MADE U SAD OR DOWN! GROW UP! LOOK AHEAD!!

thank you and sorry for that.

As my job as a permanent night shifter. Not really night, around 3 O-clock in the morning. I have got so many time in the world to do so many things. I havent got this before in my entire life. I sleep lesser, i play lesser, i havent got as many time to hang out or hang over as i had before. i got al the time to look into my computer and do about anything, everything that i suppose or not suppose to do.

My first week was terible for me. I always pray that the next day i will be sick so i can take my MC or the company will discover my illness in thinking and will laid me off the team. I felt lonely, as i never can join my friends, because they r working normal shift. i felt so much abnormal, i felt down all the time. And my bf wasnt being helpful. haha. sory for the mentioning as he never been here to read my blog. i dont care if anybody being or not being helpful to me, wht i only care is my sadness in being so abnormal and isolated. I dont want to forget my dearest friend, ida, who always there with her emails, which i read and reply everyday when i was lonely. But still, at this point of my time, i wasnt able to cheer anything from my nervouse system to be working up and running fine at its natural state. As i got so many extra time, i tried to find ebook online for novel. And i fill my time with reading. At least it does distract me from my worries for a while.

My second week, everybody from the building, not to mention from the entire floor, which is my working department, noticed my night working hours. They started asking. Why oh why? Why? Simple, i dont want to work saturday sunday, which is beyond abnormality for me. i need my saturday sunday, as my normal friends, i mean out of this office, will be working on fix saturday sunday time off. and they started saying, you could be an abnormal person, working permanently on an abnormal hours. You will be isolated, you will be bored. You will this and you will that. I was denying them. But as time goes. I started to believe them. I started to feel what the said i would. I started to bring myself to the corner, and i started to isolate me from everybody.

Cheerful or happy is not under my dictionary at my 3rd week. As hard i tried to calm myself. As harder the situation pushed me. Any simple or small things that happened, will cause tears and a night of un stabilize sleep and dreams about weird thing. I was so un organized. I ate much food at times, i felt less desire to food at some other times. My stomach ach few times, this could be cause by the eating disorder i made myself to be. i couldnt borther the ach, in fact i never mention it before to anybody, because the pain i felt inside is so much worst that it. And, as for anybody concerns, if there is, the pain is nothing. Just a few times and it is gone by now, as for good. So i changed my eating to even worse. i force myself to eat. I ate a lot. Dont try to not believe me. If you know Siti Fatimah before, you would have known how she eaten. This time it is even worse.

i sleep at 830 after isya' prayer. Everyday. of course not on saturday sunday. but did i mention i sleep late on saturday sunday. The latest will be at 10 pm. And i woke up at 3 or 4 am in the morning. Until then, i wasnt able to sleep at all. It was so tiring and stressfull, i wasnt able to sleep calmly and peacefully without any bad dreams or the woke ups.

it is stressfull, not to forget, everymorning, the lonely driving. Alone in the dark. A girl, with all the shooting and killing and raping news from the media. I was even thought at one time. Dear Allah, if i'm gonna be killed tonight, please put me to heaven. On that point. I really think that, my life isnt for so long.

This is my 4th week. And today is the last day of this ugly week. Ida given me an idea. Get out of that mud. Stand on your feet! Go get a new job. I was like. A little girl, crying, dont know what to do, but have to do something. and do as told to do. And go job hunting and get really seriouse on that. i go really seriouse on job fishing.

as the day move on. Still i have the thought to be sick and go get my mc. i mean on the 4th week. But i manage to get up. Kick my bud onto my car and drive to work. Sleepy or tired or moodless to think anything, i went to work.

And today, as it hit me on my brain, i was doing reading. Finding on job literature. I read on programming ethiqueate. i read on few theories. Not many, but the reading is there. i realize one thing, i never ever could posible displined myself to read these things before. if i pushed myself to get up and read at early morning previousely, i will forced myself to sleep back as soon as i open the pages. so this is one good thing.

i went to pray this morning. walking and looking to the floor. it was far away, not to mention i have tall figure. not as tall as a model obviously. :p. However, the big framed i have, support me a lot. i cant fight my way. i dont have to just lay down and let myself killed what so ever. of course, if it is time for me to die, then god will take me away. but it is god responsibilities, my responsibility is to move forward and do what i am supposed and meant to do. one mark for my cheerfullness. :)

as the time move forward. i was browsing. i cant sleep. the calls coming in once in a while. so i was browsing at this blogspot of some one. she tell a story about her day. restless one. but full of impact. she went to somewhere, with a plane and got there, with a hustle bussiness trip, woke up at 430 am. on the way home from the bussiness trip, the same day, the plain got delayed, 1130pm reach nearest bar to her house. and still not sleeping. but she was so patient in her writting, was so happy and cheerfull. the delayed, the hustle, didnt even pinch her a bit. it is not that she was tough, but she was so calm and took it as light and calm as she can take. it is not that, why cant i be like he? but the case here, why is there any thoughts on end of your life. there a lot of people out there, seeking for life. hey siti, get a life.

so as for now, this is my thoughts. i am here, breathing, i am well balanced in term of air and food i consume in. i am thinking. i am feeling. i am noticed by friends, family coleagues or even mad customers that called here at the call centre. by my bosses. i can still walk. even when i was alone, i still have some one to think about or talk to. which is i could leave my thoughts here of sent email to ida. i am not alone. i am as normal as anybody else on earth.

stil too early to be a quiter, dont I?

March 07, 2005

To Love And To Hate

***First and for most, this poetry is dedicated to my dearest friend ....., to me and to everybody who are in love, espeacially to the ladies. As much as we know, man doesnt meant to understand us, but to love us. But for me, to understand is what it takes to love. As much as they love us but dont understand us, as much as they are hurting us, killing everything that is beautiful and the softness within us. We are not as strong as they thought we are, although we tried to be, but it does harm us day by day. However, as much as we woman hates our man, as much as we couldnt resist to feel the strong love inside us. We are like connected to the feeling, we cant simply throw it away. Even sometimes we pray for god to take it away, but we cries just to hope, there is other hope we can still put up. but we survive though. we will and we will stay this way. ***

So here goes..............

I start my day
So harsh so rush
I couldnt manage to breath enough
I start to think of you
When i am sad or i am hopeless
Try to get you in my scenery
So i will feel so much safer
That you will be there, holding me up

I start the day
Try to get everything done in their way
So it will not trouble me the next day
Trying to take things one step a time
And i catches my breath in between
I'm wondering what could you be doing
Did you feel the same hustle?
Did you fall, did you manage to get up?
Where are you?
Why you've been so quite?

The day start to end
Everything try to fall into it's places
There is trouble
There is hard part that i need to face
I go through everything, trying not to fall
Trying as hard that you will take me up if i ever did falling apart

And so finally we met
At the end of the day
Trying to be as cheerful as i can be
Trying not to show the hurt
As you have been so very quite
Trying to make the best impression for you
As we couldnt afford to have time like this together so much
Trying as much, to ignore
Everything you could posibly done or do
That hurt my feelings
Screwing up my emotions
Trying to hide
The last thing that i need to remember
How the day
Or the day before
Had been hard and hush to me
Not even trying
To tell you everything
Because just trying to avoid, as much as i could
From spoiling your mood, as i thought
It might have been your hardest day too

As we end the meeting
I feel so much better
Just to see your face
My troubles seems to go away
My heart just been filled up
I just miss you again
Couldnt wait for the next meeting

As for the next meeting
This time you expected me
To be there
As your problems
Bothering you so much
You needed me to be there for you
To lift you up
Light your day
I try as much as i could
To help you get out of your problem
Sometimes i do help
Sometimes it does takes my own feelings
To cheer you
But i try as much not to care

As my days goes
One by one
Bit by bit
It did hurts so much
Because day by day
I am trying to tell you
By not telling you
How it been so hard for me this last few days
Please be there for me
I need you
Please understand me
I cant tell you directly
You might be bored, you might have not listen
Did you not realize?
How i am being different lately?
Did you not see?
How the troubles affected me?

The next time we meet
When i just couldnt bare the hurts any longer
I burst, and cries as what you think i always do
And i feel the hates for you
I just want to tear you apart, so much anger inside me that time
I looked in your face
Try not to cry because i wanted to see you clearly
As much as i hated you, as much as i love you
I never know how to explain
I think i already tried
But it just never good enough
You will never understand
The same thing will happened again
This hurt that never manage to cure
Will shred apart again

This poem has no end, unfortunately
Although, you keep trying my dear
I do appreciate
But things just so hard
I couldnt bare
Please come here
Please calm me down
Just a little
Please try to understand
Dont let me break apart
As much as i need your love
I do need you to realize my feelings

Just for one minute
Please understand
That i am not that strong, as much as i tried to be
Because i need you to stand beside me, as i am standing by your side

There is no other words that could be describe
As far as i am taking it further from the divergent, the truth
I am trying to distract me
Confius myself so i will not cry again
As much as it will failed
Yet, there nothing i can use to deny
The love that is inside me

As much as this heart hated you
As much as it is fallen for you