January 21, 2008

Relationships...

I've been married to him for almost 2 years and 3 years before that i was becoupled with him. Still, god knows who he is and i can hardly understand his behaviour. Not to say that i am not thankful for what i have, but just to remind myself that relationship is more than what i think it is. It comes with respect, trust, confidence, tolerance and more..

Last night after performing the prayer with my husband, he hug me, i know it is not suitable for me to told the whole world about this, but still, i'm telling. I just couldn't control myself. I am falling to his embrace and my stand towards him that moment drastically changed. I realize he will change back to his normal attitude that made me suffer. Again this is not i'm not being thankful but as i am a woman to a man, there is something i need to feed my satisfaction. That, i will talk about later i guess. But most important is, he changed the way he used to just to show me how much he cares for me and how much he love me. That's all i need. I don't need him to buy me expensive stuff, i don't need him to pour me with mountain of money, i don't need him to say that i'm beutiful to his eyes, i just need him to at least once, be someone nicer, look at me, hold me...

Yet again i'm thankful for the other night that i hated him so much. I love him but it hurts me because he seems to doesn't care. If he gave me food to eat, gave me shelter for me to stay, give me a lovely son so me to love, filled my life with the presence of perfection in terms of food, shelter, company~means that all that matters is someone will be by my side at all times. Well, honestly, i need more than that. But lastnight, when i told him i cant cope to it anymore. I'm breaking down so low that i feel hard to get up. I was devastated and it has been a while. The feeling keeps on and off i just cant controlled it anymore...

I remember when i watched Sex in The City. I dont remember the main character name, but i guess she was just as devastated as i am. I understand her feelings. But she just not as lucky as i am. She didnt even married to the person. But she told once, the Man got caught with Heart operation. He got very sick. He somehow became needifull to her presence. He somehome be very romantic, very connected to her. But when he recover, she was saying, he became to be back to normal. Person who doesn't care. Person who doesn't want to care. I guess same as my situation. What is better on my side is, MARRIAGE and simply man can't have sex with all the woman he had lust upon to. And so to say, the man i love, is the man i own.

With this words i'm putting. Yet my husband is still the same person after the touch scene when he grabbed me and hug me. It is not sex ok, so that's why i'm very free to be broadcasting it! :p. After that, he is the cold type of person who is emotionless, heartless, mean or so what word that suit him? But it's ok i guess. I dont need his hug all the time. But at least i just want him to realise, if a hug can change my perception to him drastically, means that a hug is all i need. He doesn't have to say anything. It's like a food to me. Hug for sex is different i guess, it is more on lust, i need something that is pure and meaningfull. I know i am being demanding. I don't know if he realise this, but at least last night he grab me up from my down fall... Thank you hubby if you have time to read this..:p

So as for me, i hope i will be stronger for another breakdown in the future. Just remember that he is what he is. Not as romantic as my friend's husbands. Not at all. But i'm lucky. Any other things he is perfect. Just perfect for me. I love him and always i will be. So be it!
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Regards,
Siti Fatimah Khairiah M Amin

January 07, 2008

Story to Tell..

Hmm.. Life is tough i figured when things goes by beyond my control... I couldn't handle some of the things.. I'm not superwoman or bionic woman.. Yet i know somebody who is, but i'm just not them and i can't be like them.. I tried and tried but failed to be binoc or biowon -which is bionic woman..So what i can do is helplessly cried and cried.. I know is not good and hopeless but that is all i can do.........I have 24 hours a day 60 minutes per hour and 60 seconds per minute like everyone else..I got 2 hands and 2 legs, all in one body...I can go i place at a time...I can do 1 thing at a time...Everything needs to be finished and need to perfectly done...Everyone need to be cherish and need to be entertained...I can't do all?! Everyone need to take their turn....
 
But life does go very fast and time run so fast i can barely finish up everything..That laundry need to be folded..That dishes need to be washed....The floor not swept yet...The died lizard not cleaned yet, euuwwwwwww!!!..Yet the baby need to be fed need to be bathed need to get him to sleep....Yet the baby's father need to be fed too...Huwaaaarghhh....But i had fun doing it...But sometimes i really felt down when i can't fullfill all their needs........I'm really sorry..It is not i dont want to..I just don't have time to do it....
 
Phewww.......what a tiring weekends....But i still can wake up very energetic and fresh this morning....i had a good sleep since the baby was very tired during the day..He refused to sleep!! Bayangkan mcm mana ibu dia nk buat kerja? Hehehehehe........
 
Alamak...tgh taip2 pening plak....sbb arini tak bwk spek mata..pstu taip2 sini wt paperwork lg..pening2....

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Regards,
Siti Fatimah Khairiah M Amin