I've been married to him for almost 2 years and 3 years before that i was becoupled with him. Still, god knows who he is and i can hardly understand his behaviour. Not to say that i am not thankful for what i have, but just to remind myself that relationship is more than what i think it is. It comes with respect, trust, confidence, tolerance and more..
Last night after performing the prayer with my husband, he hug me, i know it is not suitable for me to told the whole world about this, but still, i'm telling. I just couldn't control myself. I am falling to his embrace and my stand towards him that moment drastically changed. I realize he will change back to his normal attitude that made me suffer. Again this is not i'm not being thankful but as i am a woman to a man, there is something i need to feed my satisfaction. That, i will talk about later i guess. But most important is, he changed the way he used to just to show me how much he cares for me and how much he love me. That's all i need. I don't need him to buy me expensive stuff, i don't need him to pour me with mountain of money, i don't need him to say that i'm beutiful to his eyes, i just need him to at least once, be someone nicer, look at me, hold me...
Yet again i'm thankful for the other night that i hated him so much. I love him but it hurts me because he seems to doesn't care. If he gave me food to eat, gave me shelter for me to stay, give me a lovely son so me to love, filled my life with the presence of perfection in terms of food, shelter, company~means that all that matters is someone will be by my side at all times. Well, honestly, i need more than that. But lastnight, when i told him i cant cope to it anymore. I'm breaking down so low that i feel hard to get up. I was devastated and it has been a while. The feeling keeps on and off i just cant controlled it anymore...
I remember when i watched Sex in The City. I dont remember the main character name, but i guess she was just as devastated as i am. I understand her feelings. But she just not as lucky as i am. She didnt even married to the person. But she told once, the Man got caught with Heart operation. He got very sick. He somehow became needifull to her presence. He somehome be very romantic, very connected to her. But when he recover, she was saying, he became to be back to normal. Person who doesn't care. Person who doesn't want to care. I guess same as my situation. What is better on my side is, MARRIAGE and simply man can't have sex with all the woman he had lust upon to. And so to say, the man i love, is the man i own.
With this words i'm putting. Yet my husband is still the same person after the touch scene when he grabbed me and hug me. It is not sex ok, so that's why i'm very free to be broadcasting it! :p. After that, he is the cold type of person who is emotionless, heartless, mean or so what word that suit him? But it's ok i guess. I dont need his hug all the time. But at least i just want him to realise, if a hug can change my perception to him drastically, means that a hug is all i need. He doesn't have to say anything. It's like a food to me. Hug for sex is different i guess, it is more on lust, i need something that is pure and meaningfull. I know i am being demanding. I don't know if he realise this, but at least last night he grab me up from my down fall... Thank you hubby if you have time to read this..:p
So as for me, i hope i will be stronger for another breakdown in the future. Just remember that he is what he is. Not as romantic as my friend's husbands. Not at all. But i'm lucky. Any other things he is perfect. Just perfect for me. I love him and always i will be. So be it!
Siti Fatimah Khairiah M Amin
JANGAN BUAT FITNAH
4 hours ago