Being A QUITER !!! :- (
before i start anything, i should say this to myself : out and loud!
***STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MADE U SAD OR DOWN! GROW UP! LOOK AHEAD!!
thank you and sorry for that.
As my job as a permanent night shifter. Not really night, around 3 O-clock in the morning. I have got so many time in the world to do so many things. I havent got this before in my entire life. I sleep lesser, i play lesser, i havent got as many time to hang out or hang over as i had before. i got al the time to look into my computer and do about anything, everything that i suppose or not suppose to do.
My first week was terible for me. I always pray that the next day i will be sick so i can take my MC or the company will discover my illness in thinking and will laid me off the team. I felt lonely, as i never can join my friends, because they r working normal shift. i felt so much abnormal, i felt down all the time. And my bf wasnt being helpful. haha. sory for the mentioning as he never been here to read my blog. i dont care if anybody being or not being helpful to me, wht i only care is my sadness in being so abnormal and isolated. I dont want to forget my dearest friend, ida, who always there with her emails, which i read and reply everyday when i was lonely. But still, at this point of my time, i wasnt able to cheer anything from my nervouse system to be working up and running fine at its natural state. As i got so many extra time, i tried to find ebook online for novel. And i fill my time with reading. At least it does distract me from my worries for a while.
My second week, everybody from the building, not to mention from the entire floor, which is my working department, noticed my night working hours. They started asking. Why oh why? Why? Simple, i dont want to work saturday sunday, which is beyond abnormality for me. i need my saturday sunday, as my normal friends, i mean out of this office, will be working on fix saturday sunday time off. and they started saying, you could be an abnormal person, working permanently on an abnormal hours. You will be isolated, you will be bored. You will this and you will that. I was denying them. But as time goes. I started to believe them. I started to feel what the said i would. I started to bring myself to the corner, and i started to isolate me from everybody.
Cheerful or happy is not under my dictionary at my 3rd week. As hard i tried to calm myself. As harder the situation pushed me. Any simple or small things that happened, will cause tears and a night of un stabilize sleep and dreams about weird thing. I was so un organized. I ate much food at times, i felt less desire to food at some other times. My stomach ach few times, this could be cause by the eating disorder i made myself to be. i couldnt borther the ach, in fact i never mention it before to anybody, because the pain i felt inside is so much worst that it. And, as for anybody concerns, if there is, the pain is nothing. Just a few times and it is gone by now, as for good. So i changed my eating to even worse. i force myself to eat. I ate a lot. Dont try to not believe me. If you know Siti Fatimah before, you would have known how she eaten. This time it is even worse.
i sleep at 830 after isya' prayer. Everyday. of course not on saturday sunday. but did i mention i sleep late on saturday sunday. The latest will be at 10 pm. And i woke up at 3 or 4 am in the morning. Until then, i wasnt able to sleep at all. It was so tiring and stressfull, i wasnt able to sleep calmly and peacefully without any bad dreams or the woke ups.
it is stressfull, not to forget, everymorning, the lonely driving. Alone in the dark. A girl, with all the shooting and killing and raping news from the media. I was even thought at one time. Dear Allah, if i'm gonna be killed tonight, please put me to heaven. On that point. I really think that, my life isnt for so long.
This is my 4th week. And today is the last day of this ugly week. Ida given me an idea. Get out of that mud. Stand on your feet! Go get a new job. I was like. A little girl, crying, dont know what to do, but have to do something. and do as told to do. And go job hunting and get really seriouse on that. i go really seriouse on job fishing.
as the day move on. Still i have the thought to be sick and go get my mc. i mean on the 4th week. But i manage to get up. Kick my bud onto my car and drive to work. Sleepy or tired or moodless to think anything, i went to work.
And today, as it hit me on my brain, i was doing reading. Finding on job literature. I read on programming ethiqueate. i read on few theories. Not many, but the reading is there. i realize one thing, i never ever could posible displined myself to read these things before. if i pushed myself to get up and read at early morning previousely, i will forced myself to sleep back as soon as i open the pages. so this is one good thing.
i went to pray this morning. walking and looking to the floor. it was far away, not to mention i have tall figure. not as tall as a model obviously. :p. However, the big framed i have, support me a lot. i cant fight my way. i dont have to just lay down and let myself killed what so ever. of course, if it is time for me to die, then god will take me away. but it is god responsibilities, my responsibility is to move forward and do what i am supposed and meant to do. one mark for my cheerfullness. :)
as the time move forward. i was browsing. i cant sleep. the calls coming in once in a while. so i was browsing at this blogspot of some one. she tell a story about her day. restless one. but full of impact. she went to somewhere, with a plane and got there, with a hustle bussiness trip, woke up at 430 am. on the way home from the bussiness trip, the same day, the plain got delayed, 1130pm reach nearest bar to her house. and still not sleeping. but she was so patient in her writting, was so happy and cheerfull. the delayed, the hustle, didnt even pinch her a bit. it is not that she was tough, but she was so calm and took it as light and calm as she can take. it is not that, why cant i be like he? but the case here, why is there any thoughts on end of your life. there a lot of people out there, seeking for life. hey siti, get a life.
so as for now, this is my thoughts. i am here, breathing, i am well balanced in term of air and food i consume in. i am thinking. i am feeling. i am noticed by friends, family coleagues or even mad customers that called here at the call centre. by my bosses. i can still walk. even when i was alone, i still have some one to think about or talk to. which is i could leave my thoughts here of sent email to ida. i am not alone. i am as normal as anybody else on earth.
stil too early to be a quiter, dont I?
***STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MADE U SAD OR DOWN! GROW UP! LOOK AHEAD!!
thank you and sorry for that.
As my job as a permanent night shifter. Not really night, around 3 O-clock in the morning. I have got so many time in the world to do so many things. I havent got this before in my entire life. I sleep lesser, i play lesser, i havent got as many time to hang out or hang over as i had before. i got al the time to look into my computer and do about anything, everything that i suppose or not suppose to do.
My first week was terible for me. I always pray that the next day i will be sick so i can take my MC or the company will discover my illness in thinking and will laid me off the team. I felt lonely, as i never can join my friends, because they r working normal shift. i felt so much abnormal, i felt down all the time. And my bf wasnt being helpful. haha. sory for the mentioning as he never been here to read my blog. i dont care if anybody being or not being helpful to me, wht i only care is my sadness in being so abnormal and isolated. I dont want to forget my dearest friend, ida, who always there with her emails, which i read and reply everyday when i was lonely. But still, at this point of my time, i wasnt able to cheer anything from my nervouse system to be working up and running fine at its natural state. As i got so many extra time, i tried to find ebook online for novel. And i fill my time with reading. At least it does distract me from my worries for a while.
My second week, everybody from the building, not to mention from the entire floor, which is my working department, noticed my night working hours. They started asking. Why oh why? Why? Simple, i dont want to work saturday sunday, which is beyond abnormality for me. i need my saturday sunday, as my normal friends, i mean out of this office, will be working on fix saturday sunday time off. and they started saying, you could be an abnormal person, working permanently on an abnormal hours. You will be isolated, you will be bored. You will this and you will that. I was denying them. But as time goes. I started to believe them. I started to feel what the said i would. I started to bring myself to the corner, and i started to isolate me from everybody.
Cheerful or happy is not under my dictionary at my 3rd week. As hard i tried to calm myself. As harder the situation pushed me. Any simple or small things that happened, will cause tears and a night of un stabilize sleep and dreams about weird thing. I was so un organized. I ate much food at times, i felt less desire to food at some other times. My stomach ach few times, this could be cause by the eating disorder i made myself to be. i couldnt borther the ach, in fact i never mention it before to anybody, because the pain i felt inside is so much worst that it. And, as for anybody concerns, if there is, the pain is nothing. Just a few times and it is gone by now, as for good. So i changed my eating to even worse. i force myself to eat. I ate a lot. Dont try to not believe me. If you know Siti Fatimah before, you would have known how she eaten. This time it is even worse.
i sleep at 830 after isya' prayer. Everyday. of course not on saturday sunday. but did i mention i sleep late on saturday sunday. The latest will be at 10 pm. And i woke up at 3 or 4 am in the morning. Until then, i wasnt able to sleep at all. It was so tiring and stressfull, i wasnt able to sleep calmly and peacefully without any bad dreams or the woke ups.
it is stressfull, not to forget, everymorning, the lonely driving. Alone in the dark. A girl, with all the shooting and killing and raping news from the media. I was even thought at one time. Dear Allah, if i'm gonna be killed tonight, please put me to heaven. On that point. I really think that, my life isnt for so long.
This is my 4th week. And today is the last day of this ugly week. Ida given me an idea. Get out of that mud. Stand on your feet! Go get a new job. I was like. A little girl, crying, dont know what to do, but have to do something. and do as told to do. And go job hunting and get really seriouse on that. i go really seriouse on job fishing.
as the day move on. Still i have the thought to be sick and go get my mc. i mean on the 4th week. But i manage to get up. Kick my bud onto my car and drive to work. Sleepy or tired or moodless to think anything, i went to work.
And today, as it hit me on my brain, i was doing reading. Finding on job literature. I read on programming ethiqueate. i read on few theories. Not many, but the reading is there. i realize one thing, i never ever could posible displined myself to read these things before. if i pushed myself to get up and read at early morning previousely, i will forced myself to sleep back as soon as i open the pages. so this is one good thing.
i went to pray this morning. walking and looking to the floor. it was far away, not to mention i have tall figure. not as tall as a model obviously. :p. However, the big framed i have, support me a lot. i cant fight my way. i dont have to just lay down and let myself killed what so ever. of course, if it is time for me to die, then god will take me away. but it is god responsibilities, my responsibility is to move forward and do what i am supposed and meant to do. one mark for my cheerfullness. :)
as the time move forward. i was browsing. i cant sleep. the calls coming in once in a while. so i was browsing at this blogspot of some one. she tell a story about her day. restless one. but full of impact. she went to somewhere, with a plane and got there, with a hustle bussiness trip, woke up at 430 am. on the way home from the bussiness trip, the same day, the plain got delayed, 1130pm reach nearest bar to her house. and still not sleeping. but she was so patient in her writting, was so happy and cheerfull. the delayed, the hustle, didnt even pinch her a bit. it is not that she was tough, but she was so calm and took it as light and calm as she can take. it is not that, why cant i be like he? but the case here, why is there any thoughts on end of your life. there a lot of people out there, seeking for life. hey siti, get a life.
so as for now, this is my thoughts. i am here, breathing, i am well balanced in term of air and food i consume in. i am thinking. i am feeling. i am noticed by friends, family coleagues or even mad customers that called here at the call centre. by my bosses. i can still walk. even when i was alone, i still have some one to think about or talk to. which is i could leave my thoughts here of sent email to ida. i am not alone. i am as normal as anybody else on earth.
stil too early to be a quiter, dont I?
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