Patience Is Hikmah

Yesterday i learned something that really amazed me. My lofe is full of stories of everybody in front me, beside me and upon me. But less the story of me. I find it really hard at first, because my life is so easy i think compare to other people around me, there is no thrill, no cries and nothings that could break me. Though i am so fragiler to break. I feel weak, and hopeless. What if under some circumstances, i will face the things that i could not bare to face? But why should i questionsthe life that had been brought to me? I should be thankfull. Maybe i was here to comfort and to witness the strenthfullness of someone else.

Early last week, i was shocked by a story that makes my lips couldnt help but smile all a long. My bestfriend, she got the job, even as a partimer, but it is better for her, better than her current status. She got time, and money to support her, to go further, that is what only matters. As if for my life, only that would matters very much to me.

And i was so happy that time, and i am about to meet back my most important person of my life. Even though he did not realise it, but i know, i am very happy to meet him, and he is too. Things just got so beautiful and the memory just go really sweet and makes me smiles and laughs even more. I just got carried away by this happiness until i was shocked by another 'tsunami' that didnt promise my smiles anymore. My friend's grandfather passed away and i know how much she love him and adore his charisme. I have also met 'arwah' but never talk to him. I couldnt bare to handle the feelings. But i cannnot cry here. I couldnt be there for her, comfort her and hear what she got to say about this. I felt so worthless, i know she will be fine, she know how to stand up for herself. But she always there when i need her. Even when i got nobody to hang out with, she'll invite me to her, and bring me wiith her, fullfill my heart, my life, and so i will not feel lonely. She was there, and i was not, and it is haunting me.

The story goes again. There was time that i felt how stupid and unshamefull i am. There was part where i thought i could go further. There was time where i felt i'm just always at the bottom of everything. I'm not thankful for what i had. I had no ability to choose or to make desicion. I think i could choose not the right thing. I feel like i have no good future. I'm just hopeless, empty, stupid and everything worst of life. I can still bare these things. I can look at it at tell myself, how stupid of you to do that. You want your future to be bright, but you never try to fix it. You let everybody do it for you and let it like that for the rest of your life. You are leaving it too much to everybody else that makes you handicapped enough to do anything by yourself. Do i know what i am doing? That is just the most popular things to ask myself right now.

Another thing that occur that makes my eyes open. My colleague from UPM, where i used to work with everyday. Discussing things and ask for help, almost everything that resulting a good outcome for our project. She is in no question about her talents and skills. However, i think there is no walls in front of me to put bothers that i could not be like her. Is just that, she always serious to what she is doing, and i'm always felt bored and doing other things because there is somebody beside us do the same thing like mine. The moment just fade away like that without me taking any notes or learn for something. However, lastnight, she told me, she got the new project as a teammate. There were me, her and another colleague that were interviewing for the job, and she was being picked up. I know it from the begining, because our boss did not mention about it to us, but her. But she gave me the support to try myself, ask my boss. So we got the interview. This didnt bother much to me, because i knew, she will get it. But then what amazed me is the way she acted to face her faith. Days earlier, we did not received any news from the interview. So, we thought that we didnt get it. She was sad and sadness didnot harm her or anything. She still the person i met from the first day i worked at UPM. And after that, i was confirmed to get a new job, so i didnot care about the interview so much. And she was still like that, she still treat me as ussual. There is no disapointment or jealosy as i am so much lazier than her. I felt sorry for her. But things got worst to her side, she got a call from motorola, they was kind of interested to her, but they told her, they will contact her by the end of the day, but there was just a silence from her mobile phone until the day went dark and she was too tired to feel anything. By the end of the day, just few minutes after we were to say goodbye to each other, i went to the toilet. And she was there with my boss and other colleagues. There was still things to settle up, so we were still there until dark, not really dark, only after magreb, we plan to go back and finally say our goodbye. And when i returned, she called me, she looked so happy and energized. I was so amazed, there must be something came up. She told me, she got the job! Our boss told her exactly when i went to the toilet. I was so happy for her. After so many hard things happens to her, and she still like that, and after this good news, she just so thanksfull and happy, i was and still very happy for her. But when i was in the car, going back, i was like been hit by something. I was rejected! I know that i already got a job, and there is still time for my to fx myself, but i still feel rejected. She was chose among us, and i was rejected. but i realize the way she do her job, compared to my way of doing my job. I was so mad at my boss, the way he was bossing us and the way he let our other colleague do their job, as for my rebellious act, i stop doing my job, the way i used to do it. But she still like that, taking the responsibilities with her. She was all alone, bt she never fails to stay conected and fullfill my boss requirement. I was lost in transiction, where i did not do anything to fix my mood. my interest and my responsibility just went like that like a dust. So this is how my boss compared us, and i know where is my mistake to be rejected. So now, i must learned from this, where i should fix me, my ownself and my working attitude. thanks to her, i learned this.

Wow, that were just part of me to tell. I didnt know i could be this long..Hahaha..No lah. I think a part of my brain still working so i could think. But i still miss someone that everytime would witness my desicion, my breakings of life. I got a new job, and i must fix the way i look at things when it comes to things they called 'occupation'. I want to grow, and i want to strenghen my skills. i think that is all for now. thank you for reading.